It was on the evening after I returned from a trip . I was away from office for long. Standing outside waiting for my roomie , I bumped into our office watchman. I was so tired that I didn't even want a friendly conversation . But he walked straight to me .
"Gud eeeevaning , Saaar."
"Good Evening. :)"
"How was the trip ?"
"Yeah , it was fun . A little hectic though."
"Saar, where is your home ?"
"I'm from Trivandrum."
"You don't look like one, Saar."
I hate to admit that he was not the first person, to tell me about my looks. Perhaps, I don't fit into the template that they've in mind. So what ? I used to ask the person to define how a Trivandrum guy looks like. Usually, that question puts the other person in a spot. However, after the number of remarks about how I look 'different' increased, I've learned to ignore the comment. I usually respond with a smileless silence or at times retort with a question.
"So, where is your home ? Nearby ?"
"Yes Saar . We stay nearby . But its just a “rented place” . I was in Ahemadabad before that. Infact, I was there from 1975 to 2001."
"Oh , my dad was there in Ahemadabad during that period . If I'm right, he left the city by late 70s."
"Was he ? I know a lot of malayalees there. I was an active member of Malayalee association. Chances are that , I might have met your dad. Whats his name?"
"K K Nair".
"Nair !!! I'm a Kaimal , saar ".
I started hating myself for standing and talking with this guy. He was initially talking about how “different” I look and now he is trying to say how similar I'm to him. We share a common caste, or so it seems. I hate it when people use religion and caste to feign affiliation and resemblance. We've been burdened by caste-ism and religion for so long , but people ( especially the older generation) prefers to sham a one-upman-ship based on such stupid ideas. My anger only doubled when I saw the watchman smiling after “discovering” our lineage. Words came pouring into mouth .. “you are Kaimal, So WHATTT ?” and they just stopped right before leaving my lips.
"So , you were ..what ... .working ..in Ahamedabad ?"
"Saar, I was running a business out there. It was a manufacturing & engineering business, catering to Automobiles industry . I had a lot of people working for me . My family was there with me. wife and 2 kids. I even had my own 3 bed room flat in a good locality. You know , I used to make more than a lakh every month."
"Then what happened ? Business went down ?", I had a sardonic smile on my face. So much for his love for his own caste and dislike towards my looks.
"Not just business , Saar, everything went down."
"Whats that ?? What do you mean, everything went down ?"
"You might think , it was an act of God , a miracle or something like that. My wife and kids were insisting that we visit Kerala as it had been long since we ever came here. Because of my business , I was never able to take them to our home town. So finally , in 2001 January we decided to take a 10 days visit to Kerala"
"We reached Kerala on Jan 25th . The very next day there was an earthquake in Surat. Just one day after we reached here. I thought , it was one of those minor tremors which we were used to. Anyway, I didn't want to take any chances . I told my wife and kids to be with my parents and I left to figure out what all happened ."
"Nothing was remaining, Saar. Nothing . My factory , my flat .. nothing . All my efforts ... All my assets .. all my hardwork . Everything turned to rubble."
My heart stopped beating and I stared at him without blinking while he spoke that. Unexpected answer , would not convey what exactly I felt that moment. My friends often tease me for my non-stop talking skills. But now, I was just all ears for him.
"I did not how to handle the situation, Saar. It was my friends who took me back to Kochi. My family was happy to get me back . But there was nothing left with me. My parents were poor and I was the only earning member in the entire family circle."
"So , I mean .. what ... you .... did not fight back again ? Like .. you know ... starting from scratch ?"
"No, Saar. I had become mentally unstable and was hospitalised."
I gulped in, but my mouth had already turned dry. I squirmed a bit , and then regained my bold posture.
"Still, don't you want to put up a fight again? You are not aged. You have a healthy body too. Why don't you start all over again ?"
“No saar . I am unable to. I can't focus on anything. I go into long periods of depression very often. Who will give work for someone like that? I was sitting at home. We were so broke that , we lived on what others gave us. Soon friends urged me to take up a job, even if its trivial. Thats how I got into this watchmen's uniform. “
"Tears had already rolled up in his eyes. I didn't know what to say . I searched for words apt for the situation. I remembered the famous quote from Gita, 'Everything that happened is for good and everything that will happen is also for good'. Words just choked inside me and I knew its pointless to say anything to someone who went through such a lot."
There was a long bout of that uncomfortable silence. And then, I just patted his shoulder and walked away.
After that evening, I ask myself on daily basis whether I've enough guts to start from scratch if situation demands it. What if I lose my job ? What if I lose my friends and family ? What if I lose all the luxuries I'm living with . What if I'm alone in a strange land, without anything to eat, drink and wear ?
Do I have it in me ?
Do you have it in you ?
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