However,  I could not suppress my shock after her  latest shopping festival ( again for bachelors, its an imaginary festival which is celeberated by the girls by doing shopping when they are happy , sad , bored , excited , busy … or in some other mood ) . Along with a bunch of clothes she bought a VERY small top.

“For whom is that , sweetie ? Sister ?”

“Nope .. Its for me.”

“But then, honey ( for bachelors , thats how you start before you say something very risky ) , don’t you think the dress is a little too small?”

“Yeah, I know its small for me . Its my inspirational dress !! ”

“What ?”

“You know, someday I’m going to fit into this . And thats when I’ll say that I’ve achieved something.”

For the past 1 year,  wifi was trying her best to get back into her original shape ( for bachelors , ‘original shape’ is an imaginery hour-glass shape which gals think they were in during their teenages ). She had been receiving conflicting opinions from the near and dear , regarding the shape she is in. That has left her confused,  hence she bought this ‘INSPIRATIONAL’ dress . Now , her entire world is focussed on trying to fit into that teeny-weeny top.

I found it quite amusing, because its performance evaluation ( PE )  period in our office and I was finding it difficult to explain to the middle level managers , the need to set a target to rate the performance.  After a day of explanations and classes about necessity of a goal in the performance, I usually get tired and I return home. And there  I see my wife , putting the whole concept into practise without any management lessons or guide . ‘Inspirational Dress’  , it is .

And honey , I know you might read this … and I just want you to know that , I will love you even if the inspirational dress does not fit you correctly in the near future or forever.

( for bachelors , the last line is how you ensure that there is bed for you to sleep on and food for you to munch on. )

Sitting on my balcony all alone, I called Vicky . Friday evenings, Vicky usually goes for meditation. Even if  I call him he finds it difficult to pick up the phone as both his hands would be busy holding the paraphernalias. Not today . He took my call and even before I started , asked me a question.

“Sojish , have you helped someone ?”

“Hmm… yeah. May be.”

“Cool. If you have done something with the intention to ‘help’ someone , then you are ‘God’.”

“GOD ??? ”

“Yup, GOD !! And you know something? Gods don’t explain .”

“But Vicky,  I just wanted others to ….. ”

“Shutup !!! Didn’t you hear me say ? . ‘ Gods don’t explain.‘ “

If you are into blogging , then you need a good offline tool like scribefire to blog and publish the post when ready .  Its a plugin for browsers  and I use scribefire with Chrome . Easy to use and very robust !! Thank you developers. !! 

That is my favourite question during interviews , especially when I’m the one asking. I guess, when you are a fresher out of college , you would have practised answering the question infront of mirror atleast 50 times.  ”Watching TV & Listening to music & playing cricket” .  Then there are those wanna-be smart guys who comes out with  ’travelling’  & ‘reading’ . I guess , I belonged to the latter class , who wanted to impress the interviewers with a  I-am-a-geeky-one attitude .  Never-the-less , I always had answers when someone threw in that question . 

But thats not the case now . I’m neither a candidate  , nor is my friend an interviewer. Its a casual dinner with my friends who knows me for close to  10 years.  I can’t fake an answer with them. 

I was quick to come with an answer  , “Biking” . 

“But thats what you do once in a blue moon. You can’t call that a hobby.” My answer was trashed even without a second chance and I was left fumbling. 

“I like blogging, you know , I update my website once in a while” .  My friend just smiled. She also knows that I’ve not updated my site in years .  Our conversation ended there . 

Back under the comfort of my bathroom shower , I realised the urge and desire I have to get back into blogging.  For past couple of years , I was hiding behind the excuse of ‘writer’s block’  .  Today is the day , I have to push myself further.  My wifi forwarded to me  , “10 Ways to Prevent Writer’s Blog” . It started with Eat , Sleep, Excercise .. my foot !!!  I almost recycled the blog , when two key points caught my attention 

“8. Lower your Standards:”  : Not that I was so proud of my standards ( blogging about the noisy issues of digestive system can never be called a standard blog ) , but once I turned thirty I felt a need to be more matured . Both as a person and in my blogs.   I decided that hence-forth I’ll only write socially relevant blogs which can inspire & ignite young minds  and will personally be a role model for the younger generation.  That was until I heard the dialogue of Santhosh Pandit ,

      “Pattide vaal pathinayiram kollam kuzhalil ittalum nere aakilla” .

It was enlightenment for me . I can never change .!!! Even if I want to  !! And my blogs , they are going to have the same pathetic standards it always had. 

“10. Write : “  : So here I’m . Letting go off all my inhibitions and getting back to writing… 

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

— William Ernest Henley

Happy birthday , Mandela.

Its every girl’s dream to meet her prince charming in a filmi istyle and fall in love. People call us ‘romantic idiots’ and ‘fools in love’. Whatever the term is end of the day we are in love. Our whole world revolves around just one person and everything becomes so magical. And then…. he proposes to wed. Time stands still for awhile as your brain goes round and round in circles to get to an answer. All this while you have been thinking you are still a little girl, there is still ample time for marriage. Marriage means you should be more responsible, more sensible, judicious, thoughtful, more into the household chores…. Gosh!!! But…. you can learn all that in the course of time. If its a ‘no’ you end the so called magical scenario … and if its a ‘yes’ you step into a totally different role in life. Who wants to end the magic? Life has always given its fair bit of twists and turns. It is definitely a ‘yes’, ready to take on the challenge that life has put forth.

For those who are married ,guess  you’ll totally understand why I’ve stayed away from my blog for this long .

And for those who are unmarried … my only advice is .. “Go Get Married ” . Its not fair that you are staying unmarried.

Okay … so now that the writer’s block is broken … let me just give you an insight into what happened to the website

• I was working with wordpress for some official work and found it very user & programmer friendly.  Its light weight and has a really large community working on to improving its features.
• I was getting bored of my previous theme and wanted something that suits my preferred colors as of now. So yes, the color theme of the new website is picked up from my the colors of my living room.
• I also changed my tag line … to suit the site.  Its better to say the truth in blog than worry about how I can inspire via my blog.
• New characters are going to frequent by blogs. Oh trust me … I’m just so eager to write about it all …so please do come back

I stood two steps behind her chair and waited for attention . Sensing someone behind her, she turned her chair and with a questioning face asked “yes ? Honey….!! ”

I don’t remember the doubt I asked her that evening . I don’t remember whether my issue was solved or not . But after almost 8 years , I still remember the tone with which she said that word , “honey …!”

That same evening I phoned Arun, my friend from college, to give an update about my new company and work. I finished the news update with a complaint.

“Da , my team lead called me ‘honey’ in front of others. She also called me “sweetheart” in front of team members.”

“So?”

“SO ?????? You are asking me ‘So’ ??? Don’t u get it ? My team lead is a gal and she called me ‘honey‘ in public.!!!”

I studied in a boy’s school where there was no chance of talking with gals . Like Amar says about his school days, if you see a pink color dress moving on the road outside the school gates, every eyes would be on it. In college , gals were marginalized. The female friends never addressed anyone using the words dear or sweet-heart in public. “Dear” was only seen in letters and greeting cards. “Sweet heart” seen only on gift-wrappers and heart shaped stickers which you stick on greeting cards, letters and small gifts.

And then came my new company Poornam , where a gal addressed me with such ‘special’ words in public and that too very freely. Though I did whine about it to my friend initially, I started actually liking it when Lachu addressed me with those beautiful words. All my tensions used to melt away when she asks, “yes dear, tell me… whats your issue ?”

Lachu uses those words to address anyone and everyone. All it requires is,  she should be in lighter mood and the recipient should not have done anything wrong. If the second criteria does not satisfy, Lachu uses words that are diagonally opposite in meaning to convey her irritation. She carries her heart on her sleeves and in this case , on her tongue too.

Time flew past and a lot happened over the next couple of years. Lachu got married to an ex-colleague of ours. I became a team-lead myself. Lachu left to join her hubby . And she left behind the words “dear” , “sweetheart” .. in my mind.

I remember that everyone around me , always treated those words with virginal purity. Coming from a conservative background, I too felt that thats the way it should be. That was when Lachu happened in my life. Early twenties is the age when every individual start shaping their personal values and ideologies. I went into a dilemma as I wasn’t sure which way I should take. To treat those words with so much reverence that you almost never use it or to go Lachu way.

Finally Lachu’s way won.

The decision was not made after any in-depth study of human psychology. It was a conclusion that came out of personal emotions and experience. I felt good , when I was addressed using the words “dear” and “sweet-heart” by a lady.  It should have the same impact on others too. Few clauses where added to bring in clarity in mind. It should not be used for any personal gains or dubious intentions. And most important, it should come straight from the heart…Dil Se…

It took me some effort to use the words in my daily vocab, as deep inside I was still that conservative kid from southern most part of Kerala. In my small world, expressions of love goes almost unnoticed. Neither visible to human eyes nor audible to be ears. Its conveyed through those small deeds like buying groceries for mom and helping dad wash the car. Or just by sitting together for having the meals. Hugging and kissing on cheek are a strict no-no after you reach your perceived status of grown up. ( for most people, that usually happens towards the end of teens ) Amar once asked me whether I’ve ever called up mom and said that I love her . I have never done that. There are no apt words in malayalam (my mother tongue ) to convey something as simple as “Mom, I love you.” .

Years flew by pretty fast. Lachu became a mom. Poornam grew to 300 people. I completed 7 years in the company . ‘Dear’ and ‘sweetheart’ comes naturally for me, in my day-to-day talks.

Once in a while, I face someone who takes the freedom to say , “please don’t address me like that” or asks, “What were you thinking when you called me ‘dear’ ?”. I tried to explain but then remembered my phone call to Arun after the first encounter with Lachu. Perhaps , now I was in the role of Lachu for these new kids. Explanation are of no use. An individual’s thought process is rooted to the culture and unwritten social code-of-conducts. It takes a lot of guts and clarity of thoughts to break the rules.

Lachu, I have never said this before. You are such a ‘sweetheart’ and I love you for what you did to me.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou quotes (American Poet, b.1928)

“Long straight hair, unshaven face and a checkered shirt that clings on to your body. You’ve to change all that. You are not a teenager anymore.”

I woke up from bed only 5 minutes back and it takes me atleast half an hour to boot-up ( as in computers ) after a good sleep. Dad had summoned me for repairing his laptop and I didn’t see that it was a well hidden bait which he knew I’ll bite on. I was still wondering how to remove the software FireStarter from Ubuntu, when dad gave that well hidden jab. And to be frank, I took the entire blow on my face. I was startled and silence ensued.

 Ettathy ( my sis-in-law who is relatively new to the family ) was feeling more uncomfortable about her presence in the ring. She could sense that its just a beginning of a classical father-son dual and she didn’t want to get caught inside the boxing-ring, our living room, when the bout heats up with punches and jabs.

“Maybe, I’ll go out and stand near the car.” She said that in a single breathe and almost walked out when mom stopped her.

“Why do you have to go, molu?” . Uh, mom need more spectators.

“May be Soji wants to say something to achan and my presence would make it un-comfortable for him ?” , Ettathy explained.

“Aah . Thats because you are new to the situation. Soji is not . You can stay in.”

Damn-it , the ‘FireStarter’ is not showing up in the list when trying Add-Remove Programs. I need another cup of tea. I looked up at ettathy who was on the doors and gave a reassuring smile. “Yeah, you can stay in. Its no big deal.”

My cold remark only helped to heat up dad further. “You’ve to realise that , you don’t adhere to the norms set by our society for a 30+ single guy. You look like you are a spoilt brat in some stupid college. How can I tell someone that you are working as in a company, when you don’t look like one ?” Dad is throwing punches at me from all sides.

Its ‘apt-get‘. What was I thinking all these while ? I opened a console and typed the command ‘apt-get remove firestarter‘ . Finally my brain is warming up.

I took a few steps back and did some hard punches on the air. “So what all do you want from me, dad? I will cut my hair short, apply coconut oil on it and comb it neatly to one side. And yeah, wear a larger than size shirt and walk around ?”. Punches on the sides. Not life-threatening. Not hurting. Only a couple of soft punches. Just enough to convey that I’ve no interest to remain a sitting duck to his jabs.

Mom jumped in as the referee, “Listen to me, Son. All you have to do is take a picture of yourself in this shirt and send it to dad. May be cut your hair a little short. Dad should have some decent photo of yours to convince others to give you their daughter’s hand, nah ?”. Thats her way of saying that this round is over.

“Mom, you liked this new checkered shirt on me, right ?”. I’m not done yet and mom somehow was expecting that. She worked hard to hide that smile of acceptance, otherwise dad would have straight away made a fuss about a biased-referee. Mom pushed me to my corner of the ring , but I was still shouting.

“I know that you like it , mom. But Dad says it makes me look like a spoilt brat. So I have no options. I should wear a larger than size shirt, preferably having the shades of dull cream or off-white . If it has some straight lines in grey or pale brown color, then it would be better. A senior employee should have his full sleeves rolled out and shirt tucked in. I might also consider a well trimmed mustache and clean shaven face, what say ?”

I was picturing myself as how a typical parent would like their 30+ single son to look like.

“And oh yeah , a chandana-kuri on my forehead.” ( for robert , rachel , miller and others who have never been to kerala – Chandana-kuri is a sandal paste mark you get from temples )

That will make me ‘God-Fearing’ as how I’m defined in my matrimonial ad. I remember a friend who defined himself as God-fearing in his matrimonial ad.

“Is it like you go “aaaargh !!! and get a shock on your face when you go to church?”, I asked him.

“Comeon,  I cant disclose to the world that I’m Spiritual coz that gives out the fact that I’m an otherwise dull and philosophical guy. Still the fact is, I’m very  Spiritual. If you see me on a Saturday evening, I’ll be in really high spirits in some pub in Banglore”, my friend graciously explained, “ ‘Alcoholic’ → ‘Spiritual’ → ‘God fearing’ . Its all a play with words.”

I quickly logged into matrimonial site and checked my profile. There its written “ …. with modern outlook, yet rooted to traditional family values and very God-fearing…… ”. Now, my only prayer to God is that viewers don’t see the “very God-fearing” part.

Getting back to the father-son dual, I had nothing to say to dad. He had told me once that his uncles forced him to cut off the ‘hippi’ hair-style he sported in his younger days. He went straight to the barber and shaved off all his hair. That was my dad’s idea of getting back at his senile-uncles-with-pre-historic-views-on-fashion. And I’m his son. Yet I didn’t say a word. I’ve read somewhere that , “By the time you realise what your parents said was right, you will have a kid who begins to think you are wrong.”

Previous evening of the dual , I was invited to the Graduation day celebration of my ettathy. She became a Doctor finally. All the dignitaries present in the stage exhorted the ninety two fresh doctors to follow their heart and to not jump into a band-wagon just because others are doing so. The most repeated quote during the ceremony was , “Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”, by Emerson.

Chief guest of the ceremony said, “These days , every female doctor who passes out of college wants to be a gynecologist or pediatrician , while the male doctor wants to be a cardiologist or neurologist. What they fail to understand is that , our nation does not require so many specialists. Our nation needs more General practitioners and Family medicine practitioners , to reach the WHO’s health standard which says we need 1 doctor for every 1000 people. Unfortunately all our doctors are going for higher studies and specializations, which leaves us with a very few doing public health service. Yes, I know that you won’t get a lot in terms of financial rewards but when you are in the supreme duty of providing service to the society, you should not go after money or fame.”

The first doubt in my mind when I heard those was, “will he say that to his children ?” . Most parents want their children to go by already set standards. Mr Ayyappan Nair gives elaborate discourse on, how his son got highest marks for 6 years consecutively in the English Medium school run by christian missionaries, but when son grew up, he denies him permission to get married to a Christian gal. “She does not belong to our religion.” . Mrs Thankamma Kurian, sent her daughter for learning dancing and she bagged almost all the awards during school festivals. When daughter grew up, she was denied permission to do higher studies in Fine Arts. “You should join some engineering college or medical college. My daughter is not going to be dancer for the rest of her life.” Talk about hypocrisy.

My second doubt that evening was “how many of the young doctors sitting there would actually listen to the words of chief guest?” Fact is , its easy to be a conformist. Just do what others are doing and stay low. But it takes a lot of effort to not follow the existing norms of a society. They are often ridiculed, cajoled and even threatened to conform to pseudo-standards. Its easy to get your ideas and ideologies compromised by constant pressure and brain washing.

I’ve heard somewhere , “A conformist is praised during his life and forgotten after death , while a non-conformist is treated as a problem when alive and fondly remembered and revered after death”

Unfortunately, I’m not ready to die yet !!

I’m still waiting on my corner of the ring, moving on my toes, punching air and waiting for the bell… waiting for yet another round of father-son dual.